Friday – this week I am grateful for … being by myself
4 Feb 2011
Today, for the very first time, I left my child with strangers. Dropped him off and walked out. Before you call social services, I can reassure you that they are well qualified (if poorly remunerated.) Today, Benedict took his first step away from me. He went to child care for six hours. All last week we have been visiting for orientation. Having practice sleeps. Having our lunch with everyone else. Fighting over toys. Standing at the child-proof gate, holding the bars and howling like a banshee, when I went into the office to fill in more of the endless paperwork.
On Wednesday he cried as if his heart were breaking. Literally going to burst right out of his tiny little chest and explode. I cried and cried that night after he went to bed. Then yesterday he held me close and rested his head in the crook of neck and went to sleep. At 10-30 in the morning. He never sleeps on me. He doesn’t sleep that early in the day anymore. But there he was asleep in my arms at morning tea time. I carefully put him down on our bed and he just slept. Peaceful and angelic, for two hours. He was exhausted by crying his heart dry.
This morning I woke up and my own heart was heavy. I knew what was coming. I tried to be calm and normal. He was fine. He actually got excited when he saw the other kids in the outside play area. He was a bit nervous but alright. I quickly filled in the sheets, unpacked his bag. Then I gave him a cuddle and told him I’d be back in the afternoon. I put him down and walked out. He started to cry and rattle the gate. I kept walking. I walked out the front door, then out the gate, then down the path. I could still hear him. I got into my car and drove away.
I didn’t cry.
This week I grateful for the women who will care for my child when I am not. I am grateful to my wonderful man who is insisting I have time for myself. I am grateful that I can write.
Taking tea at childcare
Sep 27, 2011 @ 05:57:22
It probably feels like ages have passed since those days but I am a new reader and wanted to comment. The day I dropped off my daughter for the first time at day care was THE hardest day of my life. Harder than the day my parents split up. Harder than the day my first boyfriend broke my heart. Harder than anything. I say on the curb, out of eyesight, and listened to her cry her heart out. My husband was with me and it was the only time in my life that I ever thought of physically hurting somebody. He was holding me back from going back to get her and I thought if I could just knock him out cold, I could run back for her. She’s 13 1/2 years old now – well on her way to 21….but I still remember that day.
Sep 27, 2011 @ 09:35:16
It does feel like ages have passed. I walk in now, holding his hand. He doesn’t even turn his head when I say goodbye. So soon, my baby is a little boy.
Thank you for your lovely comment.
Feb 05, 2011 @ 12:07:32
Well done. Never easy, but you did the right thing, for you, for him.
He will ease into it, in his own time. Think about how much we hate starting a new job… but the rewards, for him, for you will be worth it.
xxx
Feb 04, 2011 @ 15:15:50
It’s such a hard thing to do but you’re doing it for you and knowing that ultimately that it’s the right thing for him too. Time to yourself is precious and being able to write your way through the thoughts is a gift indeed. Happy weekend!
Feb 04, 2011 @ 15:31:29
Thank you. Home again now. He was fine but neither slept nor ate much. Went to sleep instantly in his bed. Little precious boy.
Going to make his favourite dinner. Bet he’ll be hungry!
:)